Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
