does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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