If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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