last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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