there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
