party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize