My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
