That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When are your genitals available?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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