are you still at the devil's house?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
