i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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