I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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