I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
