last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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