ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
