We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
