please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
