so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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