remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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