I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
