Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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