Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
