I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
