I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
