Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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