im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
