fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
do nipples grow back?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
