I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
