textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
