Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
