That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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