I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
