I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
