My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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