I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
