Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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