Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
