Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
