Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
