Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish i was in the wii world.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
