Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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