I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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