i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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