Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
