I can't breathe out the right side of my face
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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