Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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