I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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