I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
