i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
