help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
In America we eat man semen.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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