He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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