seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
