if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
