I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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