Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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