How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
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There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
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Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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