And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
