My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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