If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Randomize
