Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
