I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
