I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
this beer tastes like vomit already
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
