He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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