I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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