shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
